I Farted on the Bus & four people turned around, i felt like i was on the Voice ..
— Jim Corbridge (@MrBonMot) January 2, 2015
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas — David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
Always give a thumbs up while yawning so deaf people know you’re not screaming.
— Troutman (@robotrowboat) January 6, 2015
[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND — Joe West (@joejwest) January 7, 2015
It was so windy last night that the neighbour’s wind chimes made 8 albums, had a brief reggae phase, then split up over musical differences.
— John (@sarcasticapple) January 9, 2015
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car? — David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 13, 2015
I always cry when I chop onions because a man named Jeff Onions killed my father.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 18, 2015
@robdelaney Crybaby — Jeff Onions (@JeffOnions) January 18, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if I spoil the cat, seeing him with his iPad, in his yurt. pic.twitter.com/45ScY3Rloe
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) January 21, 2015
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD — Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 25, 2015
Important viewing today. Apparently people are more likely to buy a house if it smells of bread. Wish me luck! pic.twitter.com/UI0RNZKpit
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) February 4, 2015
[At McDonalds] “ugh pickles. I hate pickles” [Family of pickles on next table] “Just ignore them kids” — Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 8, 2015
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
— Sean Leahy & The Ivy (@thepunningman) February 14, 2015
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience. — Mistletoe Jones (@peachesanscream) February 16, 2015
My therapist was wearing a fedora, which means I left my session with more problems than I had when I arrived
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 20, 2015
Karen, will you marry me? “Ugh. No. Please take me home.” *20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends* — Blind Chow (@BlindChow) March 7, 2015
My mum was too embarrassed to tell the vet our tortoise was called voldetort so she just said his name was Susan
— sophie (@Scphietab) March 12, 2015
“Is that your dog?” “No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves” — Ben (@0point5twins) March 14, 2015
if i was caught forging art, I’d go to court dressed as the mona lisa. So when the court sketch was released THEY’D GO DOWN WITH ME
— David O’Doherty (@phlaimeaux) March 18, 2015
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions. — Erica (@SCbchbum) March 21, 2015
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
— viney (@vineyille) March 23, 2015
“Does it look like I’m going downstairs?” pic.twitter.com/BJSEStRkvh — Medieval Reactions (@MedievaI_React) March 25, 2015
Don’t hate the playa, hate that you don’t know the word ‘beach’ in Spanish
— Louise O’Connor (@oconnola) March 25, 2015
first my dad now zayn — mel (@censnoring) March 25, 2015
We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) March 28, 2015
I wouldn’t try contacting Microsoft for while. I’ve just sent an error report, so they’ll obviously all be dealing with that at the moment. — cluedont (@cluedont) April 2, 2015
I don’t want to learn karate but I really need a new belt
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 7, 2015
One for the money Two for the show Three to get ready Four for marketing Five for customer services Six to hear these options again — Mitten d’Amour (@MittenDAmour) April 14, 2015
I’m disappointed that Katie Price hasn’t called any of her children ‘Asda’.
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) April 22, 2015
Cop: Know why I stopped u? “To compliment my hair?” Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe. — Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 14, 2015
[soldier dying in my arms] “Do me one last favour? Give this watch to my son & tell him I love him.” “Easy, fella. That’s two favours.”
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 16, 2015
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket. — Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) May 27, 2015
Just found this massive syringe at my local park, right beside where the kids play football. Absolutely disgusting. pic.twitter.com/NBgRuVNppg
— John (@UpturnedBathtub) June 7, 2015
Imagine being rich enough to know you were allergic to horses — shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 22, 2015
Please stop calling us your “squad” Linda this is book club
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 23, 2015
