Ciara writes features for JOE.co.uk and is doing her best.
Dear Diary, I am livid. Joseph has been reading my diary. I’m fully sure because I read the confession in his diary. I talked to God about it and he offered to do couples counselling with us. Eh… NO! Imagine how awkward would that be? The main issue for me is that I can’t really […]
Listen, I’m in hell at this point anyway. I often wonder what life would’ve been like back in ancient times if modern technology existed. Would Joseph have Snapchatted Jesus’ birth? Would Mary have posted an Instagram of her scans? Would the Three Wise Men have checked in on Facebook? Probably. Let’s throw logic out the […]
*Toot toot* Gals, let’s drop the facade and be real for a minute. Everyone farts. Mother Teresa, the ‘Is this a date?’ girl from the Barry’s Tea ad, the green Morbeg, even Julianna Margulies. But where is the optimal place to fart in Dublin? Where can you just let go of all your inhibitions and simply be […]
Sorry. I don’t want to put anyone in a bad mood this close to Christmas, but tough decisions need to be made. Would you rather watch your parents kiss on the lips or pour acid on your own eyes? I know which one I’d pick. Christmas is a time of joy, but also stress. So […]
Pot, kettle, etc. Listen, the definition of clickbait has been utterly trampled on lately. In my opinion, literally everything you put on the internet is clickbait, even a Facebook status is clickbait. You put together a status for the sole purpose of garnering likes and shares, in the same way that websites use headlines for hits. […]
Dear Diary, I am worn out. I know Mary is the pregnant one, but I’ve been doing all the running around for her. She’s sat at home with the Son of God inside her, taking it handy. If I have to make her one more weak and milky cup of tea, I’m going to scream. […]
Dear Diary, Weighed myself this morning and the scales actually broke. Granted they were only made out of rocks and planks but I’m still mortified! It’s so humid outside. Obviously, I’m trying to keep myself looking well for Joseph throughout the (immaculate) pregnancy, but my hair just has a mind of its own today. Can’t wait […]
Round of applause for Mr. Postman! As we’ve come to expect, every single Christmas they prove their worth as the saviours of the land by delivering even the most scantily addressed letters. Well, they’ve only gone and done it again! This morning, a letter was successfully delivered to the correct recipients at The Dáil, based […]
Dear Diary, Christ, I’m the size of a house. Joseph took my measurements yesterday and we ran out of measuring tape. We had a good laugh about it, but I’m pretty sure the zoo is currently looking for an escaped hippo. As far as immaculate conceptions go, it’s been a pretty decent pregnancy. Obviously, I […]
School reports were easily the most nervous poo-inducing part of school. No matter how much you tried to be a lickarse in the days leading up to those detrimental scraps of paper being sent home, it made little difference in trying to convince your teachers that you actually weren’t a piece of garbage. I’ll never forget […]
Shopping is hard. It’s impossible to buy things for other people. The easiest option is just to get a few bits for yourself, then promptly cut all ties with your friends, family and loved ones, to get out of the pressure of having to buy them something. It’s ten days to Christmas and I have […]
Alarm clocks have a thankless job. Nobody is ever happy to see or them, but they are just doing exactly what we require. It’s cruel and unforgiving and I wouldn’t wish the occupation of an alarm clock upon my worst enemy. I’ve put together a hypothetical alarm scenario to highlight the unbearable strain that alarm […]